welcome 2011... you weird looking number.
At a New Years party last night some friends were discussing what their resolutions will be. No surprises there, and we were suggesting what 2011 should be the year "of". 2009 was the year of drinking, 2010 was the year of WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!? and so, my dear friends, we have decided that 2011 should be the year of sex. A year of getting laid, feeling less stress, a little more relaxed and a little more sleep deprived. So, in the interest of starting this year out right, here are somethings NOT to do.
I call this list: Fitz's Fail Proof Methods to Not Picking up Men. or How to Avoid Dying Alone.
-Talk about your cats
-Discuss you desperate need for marriage
-Talk about the time you threw up after an eating contest
-Roll your eyes when they talk about sports
-Tell them they need gum, to lose weight, a hair cut
-Tell them they baby names you have picked out
-Talk about your ex boyfriend or most recent unrequited romance.
-Ask to borrow money
-Ask multiple times if they like you, or think you're pretty
-Beat them in a drinking contest
and last but not least, the best way to not get laid: Use the phrase "is that it?" in a pre-intercourse conversation.
I will be taking suggestions and making alterations to this list as the year progresses, all changes will be final come July.
Happy year of sex to you all. I hope you get some.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
add one cup crazy and stir counter clockwise.
Everyone is stupidly obsessed with someone or something. People collect stamps, dolls, quarters (you know that's money right? you could buy things with it), you name it someone collects it. I think this is what makes people interesting, on dates I'm going to stop asking "so what do you want to Be?" and start asking 'what's your Crazy?"
Firstly I think this would be helpful in deducing whether or not I should leave the restaurant quickly. Football jerseys or shot glasses from different cities: good answers. Woman's underwear or other people skin: bad answers. In high school I had to read The Scarlet Letter, and for a class assignment we all had to wear a letter on us for a week symbolizing something about ourselves that we wanted to hide, and if anyone asked us about it we had to tell them. At the time I made up some dumb answer and wore the letter "L" and said I was "lazy, so lazy in fact I forgot to do the assignment" buh duh bum CHING!
But now, I think it might not be bad idea, let people know right up front. "Just so you know, if the Bears lose I will take it a a sign that I cannot date you... its just the universes way of telling me" or "I can't date you if you wear a smaller size than me... yes I'm that insecure."
Secondly, I think it would be awesome if people wore shirts all the time that say things like "pre-civil war history buff" or " 25% of my week is spent on x-box"or "I make everything into a reference to The Office"
My crazy, well one of, is Harry Potter. Yes, I know you all know already, but the movie comes out this week I am so FREAKING EXCITED! I started reading the books when I was living in Cape Town and they have been on 3 continents, in 5 states, through 6 different schools, and read then more times than I can count, and I still read them. 13 years later... oh lord. So that's my cup o'crazy, I have been in a relationship with fictional characters for longer than any friendship I have, family excluded. And guess what, I DO have a t-shirt, and I will wear it.
let your freak flag fly!
Firstly I think this would be helpful in deducing whether or not I should leave the restaurant quickly. Football jerseys or shot glasses from different cities: good answers. Woman's underwear or other people skin: bad answers. In high school I had to read The Scarlet Letter, and for a class assignment we all had to wear a letter on us for a week symbolizing something about ourselves that we wanted to hide, and if anyone asked us about it we had to tell them. At the time I made up some dumb answer and wore the letter "L" and said I was "lazy, so lazy in fact I forgot to do the assignment" buh duh bum CHING!
But now, I think it might not be bad idea, let people know right up front. "Just so you know, if the Bears lose I will take it a a sign that I cannot date you... its just the universes way of telling me" or "I can't date you if you wear a smaller size than me... yes I'm that insecure."
Secondly, I think it would be awesome if people wore shirts all the time that say things like "pre-civil war history buff" or " 25% of my week is spent on x-box"or "I make everything into a reference to The Office"
My crazy, well one of, is Harry Potter. Yes, I know you all know already, but the movie comes out this week I am so FREAKING EXCITED! I started reading the books when I was living in Cape Town and they have been on 3 continents, in 5 states, through 6 different schools, and read then more times than I can count, and I still read them. 13 years later... oh lord. So that's my cup o'crazy, I have been in a relationship with fictional characters for longer than any friendship I have, family excluded. And guess what, I DO have a t-shirt, and I will wear it.
let your freak flag fly!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
'tis the season
So in my book the "Holidays" start November 1st. The Christmas music starts playing, I will wear a hat,scarf and jacket even in 70 degree weather, (you hear me Chicago! figure out your temperature!) I am allowed to gain my "holiday weight" and tell people how much I love them whenever the mood moves me... aided by seasonal liquor drinking ... and it's always drinkin' season! I get to see family, old friends and not "old friends", but people you just don't see quite enough because, let's face it... we all have lives. It's time to pop in holiday movies, make some caramel corn and snuggle up under a blanket. And don't even get me started on on hot chocolate! and snow, oh snow! hot diggity I LOVE snow.
The stews get heartier, the drinks get spiked and hopefully this year you'll remember your co-workers name at the Christmas party so it won't be awkward when your standing in line for the bathroom.
And yes is is that time again, time for the bank account get struck a MIGHTY blow! oh lord the spending. It's bad enough that I gift exchange with friends, I'm 1 of 8 kids... that's a whole lotta pressies. But really, what's better than gift giving? What is better than seeing something thinking "Bob would LOVE that, I HAVE to get it for him! $75 dollars!?!?!? uuuuhhh... time for a drink."
I want to take pictures of all the things I wish I could have bought for my loved ones, and give it to them along with the copy of the Stieg Larsson books that was 30% off at Borders (those stickers peel right off don't they?) that I got them in a last minute dash to come up with something, anything I could wrap in colored paper.
It's the thought that counts right?
"I wanted to get you a beautiful set of tea cups from Anthropology but instead... I made you this woolen head wrap, it was meant to be a hat, but I ran out off wool... it's all the rage... in North Dakota..."
Yes my friends, this year you will all be getting woolen head wraps. Enjoy them, just know that behind every woolen head wrap was a much better and more expensive gift idea.
The stews get heartier, the drinks get spiked and hopefully this year you'll remember your co-workers name at the Christmas party so it won't be awkward when your standing in line for the bathroom.
And yes is is that time again, time for the bank account get struck a MIGHTY blow! oh lord the spending. It's bad enough that I gift exchange with friends, I'm 1 of 8 kids... that's a whole lotta pressies. But really, what's better than gift giving? What is better than seeing something thinking "Bob would LOVE that, I HAVE to get it for him! $75 dollars!?!?!? uuuuhhh... time for a drink."
I want to take pictures of all the things I wish I could have bought for my loved ones, and give it to them along with the copy of the Stieg Larsson books that was 30% off at Borders (those stickers peel right off don't they?) that I got them in a last minute dash to come up with something, anything I could wrap in colored paper.
It's the thought that counts right?
"I wanted to get you a beautiful set of tea cups from Anthropology but instead... I made you this woolen head wrap, it was meant to be a hat, but I ran out off wool... it's all the rage... in North Dakota..."
Yes my friends, this year you will all be getting woolen head wraps. Enjoy them, just know that behind every woolen head wrap was a much better and more expensive gift idea.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
CTA-tiquette
I take public transportation everyday and everyday I am shocked, SHOCKED! as the total lack of common decency that we strangers have for each other on the train/bus. and so, for the four of you that read this I would like to share with you my thoughts on basic etiquette... or CTA-tiquette.
1. NO TOUCHIE! I understand on a crowded train car sometimes people may bump into each other, but lingering hands are unacceptable. The exception to this rule is if you are an extremely attractive fellow who is planning on buying me dinner and then a house, following out intimate evening, summer wedding. In which case linger away sir!
2. NO EATING! especially if I am hungry, there is no excuse for eating something very delicious in front of my face when I have none. It's bad enough that I have to look at those pictures of potbelly's sandwiches. But for the love of all that is sanitary... no matter how much drool is running down my face, do not offer me some of your chicken sandwich. That's disgusting.
3. NO LOUD MUSIC! especially if the song you are listening to is particularly catchy and has the potential to be stuck in my head all day. We all like to tune out the world of being too close to strangers with strange odors but when "Imma Bee" or ANYTHING by Justin Beiber is playing in you ears for the sake of all of us, turn it down.
4. NO TALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE! or if you must, do it quietly. UNLESS! the conversation is particularly juicy or dramatic, in which case ENUNCIATE! for the love of god, if the half of the conversation I will hear can be relayed to fill awkward silence on a first date, please let me hear it... it's brutal out there.
5. NO TALKING TO STRANGERS! your mother (and Oprah) taught you this in grade school, and to be honest this rule mostly only applies to older men, weird-looking or unattractive people. Drunkards feel free to disregard this rule as it is highly entertaining to engage in conversations with you.
There, five simple rules to live your publicly transported lives by. You are welcome.
In other news, I was so engrossed in my Love Actually sound track on the train the other day that I did not notice a very attractive man trying to spark a conversation with me. I was informed by a highly entertained and friendly gay, that the law student (well he was carrying a law text book anyway) who I sat next to (all the while noticing he was a very nice looking specimen) had tried 3 times to start conversations with me. And I had been so busy listening to Love Actually that I may have missed a chance at love... actually. sigh.
1. NO TOUCHIE! I understand on a crowded train car sometimes people may bump into each other, but lingering hands are unacceptable. The exception to this rule is if you are an extremely attractive fellow who is planning on buying me dinner and then a house, following out intimate evening, summer wedding. In which case linger away sir!
2. NO EATING! especially if I am hungry, there is no excuse for eating something very delicious in front of my face when I have none. It's bad enough that I have to look at those pictures of potbelly's sandwiches. But for the love of all that is sanitary... no matter how much drool is running down my face, do not offer me some of your chicken sandwich. That's disgusting.
3. NO LOUD MUSIC! especially if the song you are listening to is particularly catchy and has the potential to be stuck in my head all day. We all like to tune out the world of being too close to strangers with strange odors but when "Imma Bee" or ANYTHING by Justin Beiber is playing in you ears for the sake of all of us, turn it down.
4. NO TALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE! or if you must, do it quietly. UNLESS! the conversation is particularly juicy or dramatic, in which case ENUNCIATE! for the love of god, if the half of the conversation I will hear can be relayed to fill awkward silence on a first date, please let me hear it... it's brutal out there.
5. NO TALKING TO STRANGERS! your mother (and Oprah) taught you this in grade school, and to be honest this rule mostly only applies to older men, weird-looking or unattractive people. Drunkards feel free to disregard this rule as it is highly entertaining to engage in conversations with you.
There, five simple rules to live your publicly transported lives by. You are welcome.
In other news, I was so engrossed in my Love Actually sound track on the train the other day that I did not notice a very attractive man trying to spark a conversation with me. I was informed by a highly entertained and friendly gay, that the law student (well he was carrying a law text book anyway) who I sat next to (all the while noticing he was a very nice looking specimen) had tried 3 times to start conversations with me. And I had been so busy listening to Love Actually that I may have missed a chance at love... actually. sigh.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Break-up-ery
Breaking-up with someone, or being broken -up with is truly a gut wrenching, soul sucking, agonizing kind of pain that sends one in a downward spiral of despair and depression. It sucks ok. And I, in my endless quest to better the world and spread joy and love to all man kind, have a genius idea!
The Break-up-ery.
A bakery that specializes in "rejection sugar cookies" to gently fend off the advances of well meaning fellas, merely a cookies in the shape of an "X" with red frosting. "It's over" many layered cakes with personalized messages that will end any failing relationship. "Affair pies" for the wives of business men with wandering eyes, "I'm not leaving my wife for you" eclairs for the mistresses and "I've realized I'm gay" moon pies. Cupcakes with sugar discs atop the frosting for short messages, "you have STDS now" or "I was pregnant" are sure to be a crowd pleaser.
And the best part? After the stomach dropping, world altering, earth shattering news, you would get to eat a cake.
and let the healing begin!
The Break-up-ery.
A bakery that specializes in "rejection sugar cookies" to gently fend off the advances of well meaning fellas, merely a cookies in the shape of an "X" with red frosting. "It's over" many layered cakes with personalized messages that will end any failing relationship. "Affair pies" for the wives of business men with wandering eyes, "I'm not leaving my wife for you" eclairs for the mistresses and "I've realized I'm gay" moon pies. Cupcakes with sugar discs atop the frosting for short messages, "you have STDS now" or "I was pregnant" are sure to be a crowd pleaser.
And the best part? After the stomach dropping, world altering, earth shattering news, you would get to eat a cake.
and let the healing begin!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
because it's fabulous.
As I stood on the train platform this morning, over dressed (70 degrees in October, what?!?) in my jacket, hat and scarf, head plugged into my iPod, and coffee in hand. I took advantage of some much needed people watching time. Sundays are good for that, as trains run less frequently, I spied a most peculiar and disturbing site.
No, not public urination, a Justin Bieber T-shirt or poster of Obama sporting a Hitler mustache, all good guesses though.
A man in a top hat an tails walked up the stairs towards me, and on or should I say through, the top hat was Mickey Mouse himself. Mickey's head, arms and partial torso were protruding from the front, and as he turned I saw that Mickey's ass and affiliated limbs were sticking out the back.
A truly dreadful sight for a pre-caffeinated Sunday.
All I could think was, why? Why would someone wear such a thing? Poor, poor Mickey, his rear looks rather larger than it is in those red shorts. Not at all flattering. If only Walt had given him a nice pair of slimming slacks or multi-purpose denim pantaloons. To be stuck in red hot pants for all eternity... alack.
And then! as my iPod changed songs I overheard this hat donning stranger say to his companion that he was wearing the hat, "because it's fabulous".
Two thoughts flashed through my mind; firstly that this man was clearly gay, no straight man, Mickey hat or no, would ever use fabulous as an explanation for fashion (?) choices. Secondly; is it fabulous?
Was it?
Oh my, what if it is?
His matter-of-fact air and bold declarative statement... he was SO sure....
What if it was? What if it was so fabulous that it was beyond my comprehension? Was this poor, poor man unappreciated in his own time like some modern day Van Gogh, or was he such a trend setter that my un-artistically minded self judged harshly and rashly on site. When in reality come fall of 2011 we would ALL be sporting hat with stuffed animals protruding from them! (Oh lord, I hope not)
"because its fabulous"-- how liberating, how bold, how truly freeing!
but that hat, fabulous or not, was truly one of the strangest things I had ever seen a-top a man's head.
No, not public urination, a Justin Bieber T-shirt or poster of Obama sporting a Hitler mustache, all good guesses though.
A man in a top hat an tails walked up the stairs towards me, and on or should I say through, the top hat was Mickey Mouse himself. Mickey's head, arms and partial torso were protruding from the front, and as he turned I saw that Mickey's ass and affiliated limbs were sticking out the back.
A truly dreadful sight for a pre-caffeinated Sunday.
All I could think was, why? Why would someone wear such a thing? Poor, poor Mickey, his rear looks rather larger than it is in those red shorts. Not at all flattering. If only Walt had given him a nice pair of slimming slacks or multi-purpose denim pantaloons. To be stuck in red hot pants for all eternity... alack.
And then! as my iPod changed songs I overheard this hat donning stranger say to his companion that he was wearing the hat, "because it's fabulous".
Two thoughts flashed through my mind; firstly that this man was clearly gay, no straight man, Mickey hat or no, would ever use fabulous as an explanation for fashion (?) choices. Secondly; is it fabulous?
Was it?
Oh my, what if it is?
His matter-of-fact air and bold declarative statement... he was SO sure....
What if it was? What if it was so fabulous that it was beyond my comprehension? Was this poor, poor man unappreciated in his own time like some modern day Van Gogh, or was he such a trend setter that my un-artistically minded self judged harshly and rashly on site. When in reality come fall of 2011 we would ALL be sporting hat with stuffed animals protruding from them! (Oh lord, I hope not)
"because its fabulous"-- how liberating, how bold, how truly freeing!
but that hat, fabulous or not, was truly one of the strangest things I had ever seen a-top a man's head.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
and so it begins
I have decided to start a blog.
I will blog about many things, some of them my be true, some of them I might make up, some of them might be funny and some of them might be the enraged rantings of an over opinionated 20 something.
I will probably blog about the following; my friends, food, politics, and randomly funny or upsetting things that happen to me.
I got the idea of starting a blog from some friends at Second City, and it seems only fitting that I should add my thoughts to the endless stream of crap that gets sent out into the internet everyday, thank goodness blogging has no negative environmental effects as I am already at my computer at work. So here it is! The blog of another struggling improviser/actress in Chicago trying to make sense of it all and find humor where ever I can.
until next time thoughts to ponder:
I will blog about many things, some of them my be true, some of them I might make up, some of them might be funny and some of them might be the enraged rantings of an over opinionated 20 something.
I will probably blog about the following; my friends, food, politics, and randomly funny or upsetting things that happen to me.
I got the idea of starting a blog from some friends at Second City, and it seems only fitting that I should add my thoughts to the endless stream of crap that gets sent out into the internet everyday, thank goodness blogging has no negative environmental effects as I am already at my computer at work. So here it is! The blog of another struggling improviser/actress in Chicago trying to make sense of it all and find humor where ever I can.
until next time thoughts to ponder:
- is it acceptable that for dinner this evening all I want is chocolate mousse?
- pumpkin bread or muffins with cream cheese frosting
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